Spring Breakdown

Like I predicted, it’s been a lost week because of the upcoming Spring Break. Those kids who haven’t cut loose early for vacation have been exceptionally zoned out. I think I could have told them anything and it wouldn’t have mattered. I could have dished out my deepest, darkest fears, and I don’t think they’re ears would have perked up any. I have even been half-tempted to bring in my home video of my eighth grade rhythmic gymnastics routine just to see if I could get a reaction, but no one is that brave.

Anyway, I’ll catch you guys after the break. Take it easy.

Pencilly

As you know stuff gets taken from the workroom on a regular basis. I know; I don’t get it either. I joke about being a starving teacher, but I’d never stoop to taking another person’s a Lean Cuisine. Plus it is not like a box of hanging file folders is the one thing that is keeping me from living the dream.

Anyway, this time it was a humongous industrial pencil sharpener that’s gone missing and the department head, Borrish, has informed us that she has “vowed” to find the culprit. The result from the other teachers can’t exactly be described as quaking in one’s boots.

No, it would be the opposite. I say this because all of the teachers started to reply to one another in emails with puns related to the crime.

I will not stop until I uncover every graphite detail.

This has become a No. 2 priority.

I will not stop until every lead has been tracked down.

Erase all doubt! The guilty will be exposed.

What can I say? Spring Break is almost here. This was a chance for teachers to blow off some steam so they can make it to Friday. Plus, what teacher is going to pass up a pun? It’s like our catnip.

Oh! I’m sure Borrish is the write person for the job.

I feel so much better.

Sex Machine

Another reminder came into us from one of the associate principals because of some recent issues with the staff Xerox machine. It often breaks down, which is no big surprise because this school is the size of a mall and we only have access to the one photocopy machine. In a situation like this, wear and tear will always win. Why doesn’t the administration get that?

This reminder came with some, um, odd tips. He wants us to remember that “machines need love too.” Hmm. Unfortunately, he didn’t stop there with his theme. He encouraged us to “whisper sweet nothings into its ear” and not to forget to “compliment it from time to time.” I actually read, “make it feel wanted.” He specifically said, “tell it that it looks pretty,” and offer to “cook dinner on occasion.” Who wrote the Xerox manual, Barry White?

Either this guy is at his rope’s end with sending out these messages or belongs to some very specific chat rooms.

At least it he didn’t offer a safe word.

Rodeo Drive

You may not know this, but our school district hosts a rodeo. It’s scheduled for after Spring Break. The FFA has asked teachers who are interested in volunteering in a rodeo clown competition. To sway us to participate, we’ve been informed that all proceeds will go to charity. So let me get this straight; they want to put make-up on us in a situation that has a strong possibility involving a loose bull and the spectators have exchanged money for the event. Frankly, that doesn’t work for me. To me it sounds too akin to something like cock fighting.

What happened to teachers being revered? I mean what we do, educating the next generation, is important. That deserves something, right? Nowadays we’re seen as clowns. Literally!

Now, I’m not saying that I should have a statue erected for me. That’s too extreme. But so is the scenario of teachers wearing a red nose and chaps.

I hope the school district doesn’t have plans to do something for the 4th of July. The teachers might be asked to strap rockets to their backs!

All for charity, of course.

Dead Week Comes Early

Well, we just completed a week of state testing. That means we have a week more of school and then it’s Spring Break. I’m not even going to try to fool myself. I thought last week was bad, but now we’re not going to get anything done for an entire week. Their bodies are here but their minds are already doing beer bongs at their parents’ lake house. Shoot, I expect some of their bodies are already gone too. The trend these days is to turn Spring Break week into a long two weeks.
 
Yep, I equate this week to the stuff that gets lost behind bookcases. You know what I mean; sometimes something falls behind your bookcase, but you don’t really miss it because it wasn’t that important to you to begin with. Except for a two-year old magazine and a McDonald’s Monopoly game piece awarding a free sausage biscuit, these kids are going to misplace an introduction to F. Scott Fitzgerald.
 
Though I’m sure they’ll have a grand old time guessing on what the “F” stands for like they always do. My all-time favorite is “Frankenstein”.