Sex Machine

Another reminder came into us from one of the associate principals because of some recent issues with the staff Xerox machine. It often breaks down, which is no big surprise because this school is the size of a mall and we only have access to the one photocopy machine. In a situation like this, wear and tear will always win. Why doesn’t the administration get that?

This reminder came with some, um, odd tips. He wants us to remember that “machines need love too.” Hmm. Unfortunately, he didn’t stop there with his theme. He encouraged us to “whisper sweet nothings into its ear” and not to forget to “compliment it from time to time.” I actually read, “make it feel wanted.” He specifically said, “tell it that it looks pretty,” and offer to “cook dinner on occasion.” Who wrote the Xerox manual, Barry White?

Either this guy is at his rope’s end with sending out these messages or belongs to some very specific chat rooms.

At least it he didn’t offer a safe word.

Rodeo Drive

You may not know this, but our school district hosts a rodeo. It’s scheduled for after Spring Break. The FFA has asked teachers who are interested in volunteering in a rodeo clown competition. To sway us to participate, we’ve been informed that all proceeds will go to charity. So let me get this straight; they want to put make-up on us in a situation that has a strong possibility involving a loose bull and the spectators have exchanged money for the event. Frankly, that doesn’t work for me. To me it sounds too akin to something like cock fighting.

What happened to teachers being revered? I mean what we do, educating the next generation, is important. That deserves something, right? Nowadays we’re seen as clowns. Literally!

Now, I’m not saying that I should have a statue erected for me. That’s too extreme. But so is the scenario of teachers wearing a red nose and chaps.

I hope the school district doesn’t have plans to do something for the 4th of July. The teachers might be asked to strap rockets to their backs!

All for charity, of course.

Dead Week Comes Early

Well, we just completed a week of state testing. That means we have a week more of school and then it’s Spring Break. I’m not even going to try to fool myself. I thought last week was bad, but now we’re not going to get anything done for an entire week. Their bodies are here but their minds are already doing beer bongs at their parents’ lake house. Shoot, I expect some of their bodies are already gone too. The trend these days is to turn Spring Break week into a long two weeks.
 
Yep, I equate this week to the stuff that gets lost behind bookcases. You know what I mean; sometimes something falls behind your bookcase, but you don’t really miss it because it wasn’t that important to you to begin with. Except for a two-year old magazine and a McDonald’s Monopoly game piece awarding a free sausage biscuit, these kids are going to misplace an introduction to F. Scott Fitzgerald.
 
Though I’m sure they’ll have a grand old time guessing on what the “F” stands for like they always do. My all-time favorite is “Frankenstein”.

Let’s Get Down to Business

We got an e-mail telling us that some lady has been approved to bring her business to the school district and provided us her contact information. We can now relax. Our expensive, prepackaged, just add water meal needs have been met. Talk about an enormous weight being lifted off teachers’ shoulders….

In an unrelated story, here’s what this year’s gift baskets contain for those who don’t win an Academy Award. I wish we could do more for them.

Why are people even getting approved to sell to us at work anyway? This person isn’t even a teacher. At least in the past the peddling of wares was reserved for teachers. Don’t I get harassed enough with cold calls to my house seven days a week until nine o’clock in the evening. I’ve already gotten two e-mails from this lady about her introductory specials. Did you know that for the price of a Starbucks coffee that I could get a well balanced meal just as fast. What is she talking about? I can’t even afford Starbucks!

Masking Agent

The nurse has sent us a reminder that students are allowed to wear masks to prevent the spreading of germs as long as they have written permission from a parent or guardian. I don’t know about you, but I’m not going to ask a kid who looks like an extra in the movie Outbreak to hand over anything for me to inspect let alone a permission slip.

Another thing the nurse said that made me take pause was her clarifying that the mask could not be homemade. I wonder why anyone would do that? She is, however, obviously sharing this little tidbit because someone actually came to school with a homemade mask. I bet it was like a gym sock with a rubber band attached to it.

It was probably decorated too, like the hockey masks the goalies wear today… but in a jack-a-ninny kind of way. I can see it now; big red lips with a fat doobie hanging out. Or would it be vampire fangs? Yeah, those are popular now so I’m going to go with vampire fangs… vampire fangs and a speech bubble that reads, “SUCK IT!”